閱讀生活雜談10月底

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2009-10-23 (週五) 1:55

分類：書籍 | 生活札記

看到日曆邁入2開頭，就會覺得一個月又過了。

認真回想這個月到底都在做些什麼？

早上又是9點過後才睡，一直想要把手上的書解決，隨身碟裡也還有一大堆，總而言之就是看也看不完。

所以下班以後，看著看著，天就亮了，打起精神洗了個澡，隨手點開一本就又看了起來。

窗外天色已經完全亮了，家裡的店也早就開門完畢，還聽到媽媽做早餐的聲音。

下午還是要起床上班，看看手機上的時間，能睡的時間不到5個小時了。

真不知道我到底在幹麻耶，完全是件脫序兼拖垮身體的蠢事，明明知道這根本就是錯的，偏偏心裡又漸漸覺得無所謂。

仔細想想，這次的心情低潮期持續的久了點哪，連自己都開始累了。

麻煩的是這幾天看的書又加重症狀。慶幸的是我有工作，雖然很想坐在家裡不動，不過總還有動機讓我出門。

《重生》(桐野夏生‧2009/10出版)一開始的「我」，是銀次還是雄太？我想都不是吧，他只是一個看不到自己存在的個體，可是也因此他的眼中逐漸出現別人，銀次對他來說不只是一個名字，而是一個重新生活的機會。

可是不管從前現在，做的也是一些任何人都可以取代的工作，他只是一個很小很小完全不被重視的螺絲釘。

他其實知道家庭破碎的原因，也知道這是由許多許多小錯誤鑄成，可是他卻不覺得自己也有錯，反而陷入另一種失去自我的狀態。

拓也出生在有錢人家，會走偏路，也許是因為感情受挫，從小什麼都有的他，也許根本不知道自己忍受不了挫折，也或許根本不知道自己其實是在自暴自棄。因為他已經讓自陷入越來越深的谷底。

想試著走不同的人生路的兩人，最後又會如何呢？

追根究底，也許是因為沒有真正愛他們的人，也沒有他們愛的人存在吧。又或者，是因為需要和被需要沒有滿足，無法構成一個完整的人。飲食和睡眠等生理的部分根本不虞匱乏，心理的需求卻非常難達成。

自稱萬物之靈的人類，其實物萬物裡最脆弱、最容易打擊的。人本來就是持續改變狀態的物種，短期的低落自己倒是可以意識到，可是長期失去自我認同的狀態，除非有外人拉一把，不然肯定不會改變，可是在越來越冷淡的現代社會，又哪時候才會出現這雙手？

《神秘化身》(塔娜．法蘭琪‧2009年10月26日出版)和《火車》(宮部美幸‧2009年01月06日出版)裡都有一個寧願使用別人的身分過生活的女性，說真的我一直在想，她們是不是其實一直希望被看到真正的自己？

不停逃避的結果，只是讓自己越來越迷失，一個人真的可以完全捨棄自己的身分嗎？

我想她們其實是在等待，等待被發現，等待被需要，卻又因為害怕被傷害而不停逃避。

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0 [term_order] => 0 [term_taxonomy_id] => 255 [taxonomy] => category [description] => [parent] => 6 [count] => 1 ) [43] => stdClass Object ( [term_id] => 244 [name] => 聽音樂 [slug] => %e8%81%bd%e9%9f%b3%e6%a8%82 [term_group] => 0 [term_order] => 0 [term_taxonomy_id] => 256 [taxonomy] => category [description] => [parent] => 6 [count] => 3 ) [44] => stdClass Object ( [term_id] => 88 [name] => 試讀 [slug] => %e8%a9%a6%e8%ae%80 [term_group] => 0 [term_order] => 7 [term_taxonomy_id] => 198 [taxonomy] => category [description] => [parent] => 223 [count] => 23 ) [45] => stdClass Object ( [term_id] => 213 [name] => 護理人員繼續教育 [slug] => %e8%ad%b7%e7%90%86%e4%ba%ba%e5%93%a1%e7%b9%bc%e7%ba%8c%e6%95%99%e8%82%b2 [term_group] => 0 [term_order] => 28 [term_taxonomy_id] => 221 [taxonomy] => category [description] => [parent] => 0 [count] => 23 ) [46] => stdClass Object ( [term_id] => 12 [name] => 遊戲-其他 [slug] => %e9%81%8a%e6%88%b2-%e5%85%b6%e4%bb%96 [term_group] => 0 [term_order] => 19 [term_taxonomy_id] => 12 [taxonomy] => category [description] => [parent] => 0 [count] => 10 ) [47] => stdClass Object ( [term_id] => 11 [name] => 遊記 [slug] => %e9%81%8a%e8%a8%98 [term_group] => 0 [term_order] => 15 [term_taxonomy_id] => 231 [taxonomy] => category [description] => [parent] => 6 [count] => 6 ) [48] => stdClass Object ( [term_id] => 235 [name] => 部落客的暑假作業 [slug] => %e9%83%a8%e8%90%bd%e5%ae%a2%e7%9a%84%e6%9a%91%e5%81%87%e4%bd%9c%e6%a5%ad [term_group] => 0 [term_order] => 0 [term_taxonomy_id] => 246 [taxonomy] => category [description] => [parent] => 219 [count] => 17 ) [49] => stdClass Object ( [term_id] => 13 [name] => 部落格寵物 [slug] => %e9%83%a8%e8%90%bd%e6%a0%bc%e5%af%b5%e7%89%a9 [term_group] => 0 [term_order] => 20 [term_taxonomy_id] => 13 [taxonomy] => category [description] => [parent] => 222 [count] => 5 ) [50] => stdClass Object ( [term_id] => 205 [name] => 閱聽記錄表 [slug] => %e9%96%b1%e8%81%bd%e8%a8%98%e9%8c%84%e8%a1%a8 [term_group] => 0 [term_order] => 5 [term_taxonomy_id] => 213 [taxonomy] => category [description] => [parent] => 0 [count] => 7 ) [51] => stdClass Object ( [term_id] => 294 [name] => 隨想 [slug] => %e9%9a%a8%e6%83%b3 [term_group] => 0 [term_order] => 0 [term_taxonomy_id] => 309 [taxonomy] => category [description] => [parent] => 6 [count] => 2 ) [52] => stdClass Object ( [term_id] => 77 [name] => 電影 [slug] => %e9%9b%bb%e5%bd%b1 [term_group] => 0 [term_order] => 0 [term_taxonomy_id] => 200 [taxonomy] => category [description] => [parent] => 220 [count] => 52 ) [53] => stdClass Object ( [term_id] => 233 [name] => 韓劇 [slug] => %e9%9f%93%e5%8a%87 [term_group] => 0 [term_order] => 0 [term_taxonomy_id] => 244 [taxonomy] => category [description] => [parent] => 220 [count] => 3 ) [54] => stdClass Object ( [term_id] => 195 [name] => 預告 [slug] => %e9%a0%90%e5%91%8a-%e8%b6%85%e8%ae%9a%e5%bd%b1%e8%a6%96 [term_group] => 0 [term_order] => 0 [term_taxonomy_id] => 203 [taxonomy] => category [description] => [parent] => 220 [count] => 7 ) [55] => stdClass Object ( [term_id] => 224 [name] => 食記 [slug] => %e9%a3%9f%e8%a8%98-%e7%94%9f%e6%b4%bb%e6%9c%ad%e8%a8%98 [term_group] => 0 [term_order] => 0 [term_taxonomy_id] => 233 [taxonomy] => category [description] => [parent] => 6 [count] => 9 ) ) POST QUERY: POST QUERY RESULTS
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